To the left, to the left

Today I tried driving on the left side of the road! It wasn't nearly as difficult or scary as I expected. Helen thought I did quite well! The only thing that really tripped me up was turning, I kept gravitating to going to the right side of the road during left turns, but no accidents and never did stray over! I'm going to continue strengthening my driving skills so my family and I can rent a car to get out from our hotel when they come to visit!

Earlier this morning I had a FaceTime interview for a temporary art teacher position for next semester. I definitely had a stomach ache all night long and was really nervous since it was my first interview, but the principal and the art teacher I talked with were so personable and easy to talk to! It went great! So great that the principle called me back 10 minutes later to let me know that he wanted to hire me! I was just beaming. I have never been so excited!

Today Year 7 was wild again. I am picking up that whenever a certain student is gone, class goes well, and when that student is back, they feed off her negative and defiant energy. She was openly defiant and argued me at every step. I explained to her that I don't care if she doesn't want to learn, but she cannot affect her peer's ability to learn. While working in clay, the student I openly praised on Tuesday for his work, would not work on his project. I asked what the problem was since he did so well yesterday and he replied, "You only used me as an example because I finished first." I said that was not the case and that he finished first because he understood the concept and did it well. He replied, "I didn't even do it correctly, I didn't slip and score." Basically trying to argue in any way he could that he was bad. Very self-defeating mindset. I figured because I used him as a positive example in class I triggered the "tall puppy" syndrome and he had to gain his street cred back to prove he's not a teacher's pet. At this point, positive or negative, my classroom management techniques are not working at all. Then, during clean up, students were wiping clay onto the floor, spraying whiteboard fluid and water at each other, just complete chaos. I had them stay past the bell and asked them to sit in silence for one full minute and if they continued talking and arguing, it would start over. It took a couple tries but then they were quiet. I confronted the problem student at the end asking why she was being so defiant. She replied, "I liked you before you were bossy." I said I'm bossy now because she's forced me to be bossy since she can't make good choices. She replied, "I can't make good choices, I have ADHD!" So obviously using her diagnosis to excuse her complete unwillingness to even attempt to do the right thing. Sometimes I feel like diagnosing children with such conditions, even though they are very real, empowers them to use it as an excuse.

I'm really trying to be self-aware during my time here and what I am aware of is that I am having extreme mood swings. I'll be totally fine one minute and then crying after a lesson with my out of control students. It's not me and I just don't feel like myself. I feel completely fine outside of school. I don't feel isolated or lonely, I feel loved and cared for by Helen and my colleagues, I have had nothing but great conversations with the new people I meet, I'm happy with every other aspect of my time here, it's just school that's giving me these incredible lows. So low that I question whether or not I can go on, but when I step away, I realize that was an extreme feeling. I guess I'm just so desperate to prove to everyone here that I am the strong, capable teacher that I know I am, and I feel like I'm failing. I know I probably just need to step back and Helen suggest I take a more Aussie attitude with it even though that might totally be out of my character. I just think my brain is on overdrive trying to process all the different factors that are affecting my experience and affecting my behavior and thinking. I'm going to try and step back a bit.